Grief in Quarantine
As the worldwide death-toll climbs (at the time of this writing) above a staggering 15,000 due to the COVID19 Pandemic, some are also struggling with an additional poignant and tragic issue: Loss.
We all understand that loss leads to grief, which is a topic from which most people scurry. The scurrying is fear-based and rationally understandable: if you experience a death, then it’s possible for me to experience a death. So, in the same veins of human existence and human experience -- where we find grief and loss, we also find avoidance of these delicate and frightening matters (especially in the West).
But this grief is wildly different and unlike anything we've seen in this lifetime. This PANDEMIC grief is void of the most potent and visceral of all prescriptions for grieving: you might call it honor, a “sending off,” or even a Celebration of Life.
A funeral.
It’s the most basic and necessary of rituals in any culture after the death of a loved one, and within certain religions, rituals, acts and timelines are paramount.
But, now -- all over this world, our fellow humans are forced to endure the losses of their loved ones in isolation. They are forced to endure these losses alone and afraid, with their grief hanging in the balance and no view of "closure" in sight. *deaths from every manner, not only Coronavirus.
Can you imagine it?
First, let’s imagine it as it should be, as it was, as it has been “forever:”
A beautiful and touching gathering of your person’s greatest and most beloved friends & admirers: neighbors, colleagues, fellow church members, the neighborhood store clerk, coffee shop barista, the friend they met for tea every Saturday; the list goes on.
People dropping in with cold cuts and cards; fresh flowers pouring in from out-of-state; brimming casserole dishes, pies, and stacks of cookies covering the tables, calming music touching everyone’s ears, handshakes, quiet chattering, and whispers of condolences drifting through the air; tiny packets of tissues on the tables.
Embraces that linger, laughter that comforts & tears that release.
Speeches about this funny, lovable, tenacious, kind-hearted person who would “give the shirt off their back.” Touching stories of how they showed up to help at the soup kitchen every Tuesday afternoon for 8 years, and “that time when…”
Tears, laughter, memories, kisses, hugs. Saying “Goodbye.”
Kisses.
Hugs.
Saying "Goodbye."
When my own son died at 22, I was greatly comforted by the Celebration of Life we held to honor is short but impactful life. A flood people, some of whom I'd of course never met: shoulder to shoulder; drinks, food, stories; photos being passed around, hugs & memories being shared, and tears being shed. I remain greatly comforted by this event: the crowd, the camaraderie, friends and family and shared sadness. I also remain comforted recalling the closeness we all shared during this event -- humans find solace in the basics of community, especially in grief.
Sadly, this is not the world in which we currently live. It’s simply not safe. Rationally, you and I are able to properly reconcile this harsh reality, but during times of deep grief, just as quickly and seamlessly as the morning sun banishes the fog, so too does rationale disappear.
On top of fear, isolation, loneliness, and the deeply tragic nature of this Global Pandemic that we are all experiencing, on top of all of this, right now others are living with an additional harsh reality: being forced to remain in isolation during & after the death of a loved one.
Mandatory isolation is the prison that keeps these fellow humans from properly honoring their person in death and properly honoring their person’s life; isolation is the prison robbing them of the opportunity of kisses, hugs and saying “goodbye;”
This prison, this isolation, this PANDEMIC is relegating their grief to a time well beyond now; mandating the talks, tissues, speeches, flowers, cold-cuts, cards, handshakes and hugs to happen at another time. An unknown time.
Take, for example, Davide Gelles who both works for and contributed an Opinion Piece to CNN, mere days ago called, Grieving for my Mother in the Age of COVID19 . This is a tragic account of the the sudden loss of his mother and his experience with mourning and lack of access to rituals during this time: “I promised everyone we would hold a fitting memorial service when we made it out of Covid-19's wake. But it wasn't any comfort to me or them. Social distancing, while an important step to slowing the spread of the virus, has deepened the pain of what my family and I have lost.”
Mr. Gelles is not alone, and these heartbroken, lost individuals are forced to experience grief in a setting in which most would never have or could never have imagined.
Grief in isolation. Can you imagine it?
[Lisa Bovee is a brokenhearted mama who speaks, supports & educates on grief & loss.]
*If you have lost a loved one recently please accept my deepest and most heartfelt condolences. Loss is tragic no matter the circumstance, but during this Pandemic and mandated isolation, it is disheartening and traumatic. Please, if you need help, reach out.
If you are trying to support someone who is grieving, please stay in touch with them: call to check on them and send them messages of love, thoughtfulness and support. They may not answer. Even so, please do not stop sending them love. It means more than perhaps you can imagine.
Here are some online resources for you to consider during this most difficult time: